A SECOND CHANCE AT DISASTER

I have been thinking of this for a while and looking for an opportune time to air my view on a sore issue that exists among us but about which many of us take a religious stance and others adopt the ostrich dimension by burying their heads in the sand. However, with the sticks and daggers being thrown at Chris Okotie at the recent revelation that his second chance has ended in disaster, I thought that the time was ripe to say some simple things many of us over-look and take for granted. I must state here that I am NOT taking a religious view on this issue but my approach is on the wings of common sense.

Marriage in the Nigerian culture is patterned for the woman differently from the way it is for the man, in a slightly sort of way. A female child in our society is expected to be born, go to school (thankfully now), serve her older and younger brothers (as a practice for her lifetime role), marry, endure it whether she likes it or not,  and die (most times from pains of being in a loveless marriage she did not dare to get out of because of family, church and societal misplaced and selfish values). 

For the Nigerian male child, he is expected to be born, go to school, be served by mother and sisters, get married (keep a bevy of concubines) or even marry more than one wife if he has more than two coins to rub together.

It is abnormal by Nigerian standards for a man or a woman to be unmarried and to be divorced is viewed as a taboo, a sacrilege. As a result of this out of date school of thought, a large percentage of married Nigerians are living in hell. They endure relationships that should have died many years ago because they want to keep up the appearance before their families and their religion. This has resulted in living a life of pretence and deception. At home, couples are like cats and dogs, passing their children through unimaginable and life-damaging stress. At family functions and at their local religious gatherings, they give the false impression of a loving family, always appearing in matching clothes, gele and fila to match.

This expectation is the reason, single Nigerian men spend a lot of money buying wedding rings which they wear when submitting business proposals for jobs they are fully qualified for. It does not matter that they have a good business proposal, what matters is that they are seen as “responsible family men” even if they make a mess of the project they are bidding for. 

I am in no way making a case for cheating. However, the pressure to be seen as a respectable married woman has now led to an unprecedented rate of cheating by some of our married women. They endure a loveless, sometimes abusive marriage and are quick to jump into the arms of men who smile at them or appreciates them in any way.

I had thought that the pressure to maintain a respectable front was more on the woman but I changed my mind after speaking to a number of divorced Nigerian men. They suffer the same misguided prejudice that women suffer and friends’ wives see them as “bad” influence on their husbands who are unloving and uncaring anyway. Its worst for them as a greater amount of respectability and responsibility are expected from our men. Consequently, as soon as a man finds the courage to get out of a long-suffering marriage, he jumps into another one. He does not want to be seen as an irresponsible man nor a man without respect or good standing in the community. 

I do have a problem with this haste to get hooked again because more often than not, the second coming turns sour almost immediately and not wanting anyone to know that he is failing again, starts yet another round of endurance! No one should have to endure any relationship to the point of depression, premature aging and sometimes, total mental break-down. Relationships have their ups and downs but by and large, it is mostly to be enjoyed. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Some of our divorced people, having lost all dignity and self-worth as a result of some verbal bashing they received from their ex spouses, straight away, jump into new relationships. For the men, to prove that they still have the x-factor, they go for women who are 15-30 years old younger! What a disaster! 

Come on man, you are educated, enlightened and with bags of life experiences. You are still using the Nokia phone you acquired nine years ago, your favourite music is Donna Summer and Boney M is your favourite group. You have a Facebook page you visit only once in five months with 14 friends. You love History, Art, advancement in science and technology, international politics and sports, etc. And you choose a woman who loves to party, who is inseparable from her I-Phone and/or Android, constantly tweeting like Japhet Omojuwa, Dada Olusegun and Ayo Oyalowa; She has 4998 friends on Facebook and over 3000 followers on Twitter! I mean, a girl that swings from the chandelier and can hold her own from dusk to dawn (if you know what I mean). 

Yeah right, you are sure to succeed this time around! YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THIS YOUNG SWEETHEART, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You are bound to bore her and she is bound to irritate you, no matter the level of her education. It won’t be long before she discovers that you are not compatible in bed either. You will also find that she wants more, (and rightly so) than you can give. There is time for everything. You need to face the fact that you have gone past your prime and that you are unfairly denying this young lady the chance of being fulfilled sexually as a human being in her prime. You know what would happen and your guess is as good as mine. She might get it on with someone younger and more able

Again, your children are all grown. This young wife is a woman and she wants her own by you. Now you start having children all over again. You find yourself doing school runs that you stopped doing 15 years ago. 

Your wife’s generation expect their husbands to help at home but you sit in front of the TV and she brings the babies to you yelling and screaming while all you want to do is just listen to, and watch a political debate. She irritates you and you loathe her for not showing you “enough respect”. Tension! Exchange of words, history is about to repeat itself……

This failure at the second chance has been attributed to many factors but the one that stands out is, “HASTE”. Everyone who comes out of a long term relationship needs to take time out to recuperate from the devastation of the failed relationship. One needs to take a deep breath, step back a little bit and spend that time recovering from all the negative feelings of the past years of bad relationship. When you come to the point when you are feeling pretty good about yourself, its time to reflect on what went wrong and the part you played. No need to cry over spilled milk so chide yourself a little bit and then give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to say, “I’ve had enough, its my life here ”.

The next step would be to look for someone you have many things in common with. She would be AROUND YOUR AGE, does not want to have any more children, has a bag of life experiences, her favourite group is ABBA and she likes Donna Summer too. She would understand what your needs are because she is from your generation. She melts in your arms when you give her a hug because she understands that your sexual drive is at similar level as hers, so she would give you a nudge, a smile and laugh with you when you do not measure up. 

Even with your small failures probably due to age or health issues, you mean the world to her. For both of you, it’s like a second chance at bliss, a chance at being with a friend, a lover and a soul mate all rolled into one. Your children are hers and hers are yours. Both of you have seen it all and that’s how it should be.

This applies to women too. Everyone deserves to find happiness and joy in life. For some it happens with their first

chance. If you are part of the millions for whom this blissful relationship has eluded, make the most of your second chance and get it right. 

Take your time to recover from the stress of your failed relationship. When you are ready to date again, find someone you have lots in common with. It does happen but it’s rare to find that person outside your age range. That is very important. The desire to go for a much younger spouse only massages a man’s ego, temporarily and then it all comes crumbling down or another round of stressful endurance begins. Don’t be done twice, you may not survive it.

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