THE NORTH NEEDS PRAYERS, NOT SECURITY, AGRICULTURE, EDUCATION, ETC. - Mohammed Bello Doka

Let us begin with agriculture. Or rather, let us pretend to begin with agriculture, because that is what the 2026 budget does best. The federal government has allocated record sums to farming, irrigation, and livestock development across all tiers of government. Northern states alone are throwing hundreds of billions at the problem — Jigawa earmarked N75 billion for agriculture, Kaduna dedicated 11.65 percent of its nearly N1 trillion budget to food security, and Kano set aside N26 billion plus another N64 billion for water supply to support irrigation . On paper, this looks like a government that cares about hunger. On paper, a lot of things look good. On paper, I look like someone who has their life together.

But here is the hilarious part — and by hilarious, I mean the kind of hilarious that makes you want to weep into your garri. Despite all this money being budgeted, hunger is tightening its grip on Northern Nigeria like a bankruptcy on a lottery winner. An estimated six million people across the North could face acute food insecurity in 2026 . The United Nations and global development institutions project that over 30.6 million Nigerians across 26 states will experience crisis-level hunger during the lean season . 

In Borno State alone, where years of insurgency have turned farmers into refugees on their own land, the government spent only N1.6 billion out of its N43.4 billion agricultural budget in the first quarter of 2026. That is less than four percent . Four percent. Meanwhile, the same projection warns that 5.8 million people in Borno, Adamawa, and Yobe will face severe hunger between June and September . But do not worry — the money is in the budget. It is just sitting there. Budgeted. Comfortable. Undisturbed. Like a civil servant who has perfected the art of doing nothing.

Now, here is where the satire writes itself. Tinubu is using NALDA — the National Agricultural Land Development Agency — to build churches in Gombe State. For those who have forgotten, NALDA was created to develop agricultural land. That is its job. That is the entire reason it exists. Its name literally contains the word Agricultural. So naturally, in the 2026 budget, NALDA has set aside N350 million to build churches and mosques in Gombe State and support religious groups there . Yes. You read that correctly. An agricultural agency is using public funds to build places of worship. Because nothing says food security like a new pulpit. Nothing fights malnutrition like a minaret. When a child in Gombe is crying from hunger, at least they will have a beautiful new church to cry in. When a farmer cannot afford fertilizer, they can pray for a miracle inside a mosque funded by the agency that was supposed to give them seeds. This is not a budget. This is a comedy special written by people who have never wondered where their next meal is coming from.

And before anyone says, But what about religious harmony? spare me. The same budget shows the State House allocated N2.42 billion for wildlife conservation . Animals are getting more serious funding consideration than northern farmers. The National Space Agency got N350 million to buy fertilizer for Taraba farmers and another N1.12 billion to sponsor students in Singapore . The space agency. Fertilizer. Because apparently, the quickest way to improve agriculture is to involve rocket scientists. The Ministry of Communications and Digital Economy is spending N34.66 billion on research and development with no clear project descriptions . But sure, let us focus on the N350 million for churches. That is the real problem here.

But here is the part that will really bake your noodles. Do not panic about any of this money being wasted on churches and mosques. Why? Because the money will almost certainly never be spent. That is right — the Nigerian government has perfected the art of budgeting without releasing. It is like writing a shopping list and then never leaving the house. The food stays in the supermarket, but at least you have the list, right?

Let us take a quick tour of Nigeria's museum of zero capital releases. The National Population Commission received zero percent capital release in 2025. Not a single kobo. Zero . The National Identity Management Commission was appropriated N25 billion for capital projects in 2024 but got only N1.5 billion released in December — and even that was less than the cost of their smallest project, so they could not spend it and had to return the money . The Ministry of Interior recorded zero capital release for two consecutive fiscal years, 2024 and 2025 . The Ministries of Health, Justice, Power, Transportation, and Women Affairs have all complained of zero or minimal capital releases . As one analyst put it, the Nigerian budget has evolved into a document that commands attention but not obedience, that signals intent but does not compel action . The government has normalized a disjunction between appropriation and execution. In plain English: they promise you food, they show you the menu, and then they hand you a picture of the food and call it lunch.

Mahdi Shehu, a civil rights activist, described Nigeria's budgets since 1999 as an annual ritual of deception that serves only the power circle while ordinary Nigerians gasp for survival oxygen . Believe any Budget presented by Tinubu at your own peril, he warned, because it is not meant for you or us but for them and them alone . Harsh? Perhaps. Accurate? The zero percent capital releases to the NPC and the Interior Ministry suggest he is being generous.

So here we are. The 2026 budget gives NALDA N350 million to build churches in Gombe. It gives the State House N2.42 billion for wildlife. It gives the space agency money for fertilizer. It promises billions for agriculture while six million northerners face hunger. And then it simply does not release the funds. The agriculture budget for 2025 had fallen to just 1.2 percent of the national budget, a sharp drop from 4.2 percent in 2024, far below the 10 percent Nigeria committed to under the Maputo Declaration . But do not worry — there is always prayer. And thanks to Tinubu and NALDA, at least the places of worship will be ready.

As Professor Ubale Sani of Bayero University, Kano, noted, insecurity has rendered large portions of farmland unusable across Katsina, Zamfara, and Sokoto . Farmers cannot access their land. Entire planting cycles have been disrupted. And the government's solution is to build churches? At this point, divine intervention might actually be cheaper. It certainly cannot be less effective than the current plan, which appears to be: budget, do not release, repeat.

So join me next week for another edition of Sarcastic Sunday, where we will continue to laugh so we do not cry. And if you need me, I will be in Gombe. Apparently, there is a new church opening soon. I hear the collection plate doubles as a fertilizer distribution center. But do not worry — the fertilizer has been budgeted for. It just has not been released yet.

Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via bellodoka82@gmail.com